Writing: it started with a bowl

It’s 1985 and I have writers block. My 9 year old self is scratching my head. I am sitting at the kitchen table opposite my mum. She is trying to to be patient but I see the steam. She wants me to describe what’s in my bowl.

I have Mrs Briggs to thank for this. At the start of term, she gave out orange text books, “These are for writing your stories,” she said with a smile.

My ‘stories’ were already written, lined up on my shelf. Anne of Green Gables, Little Women, What Katy Did Next – I ate them up. I was a reader, a total bookworm.

Yet, when it came to writing my head was empty. Adjectives mocked me, similes vexed me and metaphors made me sad. So it came to be that I was sat there staring at my breakfast bowl.

“What do you see Tess?” my mum asks. I’m looking at the dregs of my Weetabix – what should I say? “Describe it to me” she pressed. On the spot, I felt nervous, “Milky pools?” I volunteered. Her eyes brightened, “OK, what else?” Gosh, this was painful, “Umm, muddy mountains.” She was almost buzzing, “Great! What else?” I was grabbing at straws, “A spoon, silvery like the moon.” She clapped her hands, “Yes Tess, you’re doing it!”

There’s nothing better than pleasing your mum; her happiness lights up the room. I was left with a biscuit, juice and the challenge to write.

As the midday sun shone, I started writing my story of The Magic Pen. A mischievous pen, that caused mayhem wherever it went. Do you know what I found? I found that, if I thought less and just wrote, I could end up anywhere.

Days later, when I got my story back from Mrs Briggs, my heart leapt. There on the page was a star and the words, ‘A magical story Tess.’ And so, the reader became the writer. I shall always thank my mum for helping me to find my writing verve.

Poetry saved me from the dark

It’s 2013 I’m the mother of a newborn – a longed for child. I live with my husband in a red brick house in a estuary city at the end of the line.

The baby is beautiful, a healthy little boy. We name him after our Irish roots. He arrived in a blur of pain plucked from water, by a kind midwife.

Parenthood was a mystery at first – the baby manual no damn use. A colicky, fretful boy pushed us to our limits. Irritation buzzed like a pesky bee. We wrestled for the crown of most hard done by.

A health scare, on top of scant sleep, chipped away at me. My husband was kind, yet he couldn’t stop me from falling. The wise Dr packed me off with pills and counselling.

One wakeful night, I couldn’t switch off my brain. Cross words had cut the evening short. Absently, I reached for my phone, it’s lights luring me back.

In that moment, I was drawn to the notes section. From nowhere, I started to write and write. Words flew from me – a poem of sorts. As I wrote, I started to relax – emotions emptying into night.

That was the start of my writing journey. From there on in, I typed as I went about my days. On the bus into town, in between feeds and during baby naps. It was like someone had flicked a switch in me. Some poems were angry, some sad, others funny and joyful too. It was like I’d rediscovered myself, shook a part of me free.

When we become parents, we do not realise what we trade for the privilege. The love you feel for your child is endless. Yet as parents, we must love ourselves too. I have learnt that, in order to find my balance, to be a better mum, I must make time to write. This outlet has been my saviour, pulling me back from dark places – helping me feel whole.

Where did I go?

I started this blog over 1000 days ago, yet I have been MIP (missing in posting).

So much has happened in the world, near and far. So many things to comment on – good and bad. How can I make up for this? How can I roll back the months, marking those moments? The world swells with beauty and pain – there’s so much to say.

The truth is, I was scared. I didn’t dare put my self out here. The cautious kid still lurking, wanting to be liked. The need to please, that yoke of insecurity that has held me back time and again.

It can be risky to tell your truth – in this age of fierce opinions, emoji judgements and cancellations. I can be thin-skinned sometimes and bruise deeper than you shall ever know.

I didn’t feel like Boudica. I felt like a mouse with a squeak in my throat. I was a younger me, standing at the waters edge, watching my friend diving down. Afraid to follow, I hung back, waist deep, until a wave toppled me. I surfaced spluttering, to find myself bathed in sun.

So, here I am, taking a step, finding my footing, raising my voice. I shall let the words fall from crossed fingers, into cyberspace. Some say, we are here once to make our mark, others believe we’ll come again. Whatever the truth, I am owning mine, from this day onwards.