Memory

Why I’m still a Barbie girl

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It’s Christmas 1985 and I’m hiding under the kitchen table. I’m on a festive ‘snoop’ mission. My parents are terse talking about “Wrapping the bloody Barbie van!”

My heart beats at the anticipation of it. The pièce de résistance of our sister’s Santa list. The fantasy gift of mid 80’s schoolgirls – the outfits, the glam, the moulded plastic bliss.

Flash forward (nearly) 40 years later and I’m watching the end of the Barbie movie in a draughty Devon cinema. Whilst my 10 year old son is ready for the off, I’ve tears in my eyes.

This surprises me. It’s less to do with nostalgia (I’ve no clue what happened to my Barbie collection) but more to do with a cinematic stirring of middle aged heart and mind.

I was banking on it being an above par chick flick. Reviews of the release from indie darlings, Gerwig and Baumbach, had stoked right wing ire in a pleasing way.

As we waited in line, I chortled to see teenies in tutus queuing for a quirky polemic on gender stereotypes, the patriarchy and empty consumerist lives.

And it started like a knickerbocker glory dream of a world. As Barbie woke to a picture perfect day the sea of west country mummies cooed at their charges.

As the screen glowed with Margot Robbie’s megawatt smile I felt my 9 year old self revive on a wave of fun. This was a world where women ‘rule’ and Ken’s ‘crave.’

But as my tweenager squirmed and I snuck Maltesers (Sorry darling – but they’re “lighter than ordinary chocolate”) the celluloid mood changed.

Barbie got sad. Barbie was lost. Barbie started to question EVERYTHING. Defeated she goes in search of the sage but scorned Weird Barbie (played by the awesome Kate McKinnon).

This encounter sets Barbie on a mission through the portal to the ‘real world.’ As she drives into the fake sunset, Ken tags along for the ride. And guess what they find – the real world falls short.

On Earth, women are ground down whilst the men rise high. This is when America Ferrera’s Gloria steals the best speech (snippet below) about society’s patriarchal pressures,

“Always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful. You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.

Gloria, The Barbie Movie 2023

As a Mattel employee, working for Will Ferrell’s chauvinistic CEO, Gloria lays bare the reality of women’s Earth lot v the pie in the sky Barbie world.

But Ken is newly inspired by this ‘men rule’ reality. Returning home he flips Barbie’s pink paradise on its head. Suddenly the girls are catering to the Ken’s every whim.

As Barbie and Gloria buddy up to ‘save the day’ cliches abound. But overall, it was an enjoyable, thought popping ride.

For me, the film delivers a message (for girls and boys) of how, in our pursuit of Insta perfect lives, we’ve lost our way.

Whilst we’ve been distracted by looking good, hooking up and ladder climbing, we’ve been passing up on real, authentic life experiences.

In the end, the message that resonated most is that ‘Weird Barbie,’ with all her idiosyncrasies, is the kinda chick you want to listen to. These mavericks are the life guides that can help us make sense of this crazy world.

“Certainly, there’s a lot of passion. My hope for the movie is that it’s an invitation for everybody to be part of the party and let go of the things that aren’t necessarily serving us as either women or men.”

Greta Gerwig, Director, The Barbie Movie 2023

I’m lying on a sun lounger mourning my lost youth

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It’s summer 2019 and I’m lying on a lounger staring at a Cretan sea. Around me the beach life thrums. Fit boys and girls bop to a tinny pop tune. I’m pretending to read but tears pool behind my shades.

I should be HAPPY. We’re away, we’re together, others are less lucky… I berate myself between chugs of tepid water. An adonis comes for the sun bed fee – I mumble in Greek except he’s looking anywhere but here.

I am HOT – must be 90 degrees. Sweat pools at my back and belly. I’ve no patience for sunning and I need a wee. I’m trying to ignore the thought of strangers melting on this bed before me. I reach for the suncream.

Bronzed girls run past, a whirl of giggles, their barely there swimsuits struggling to hold onto curves. I suck my tummy in, hide myself beneath a bikini past it’s prime.

What is WRONG with me? I try to breathe it out. But I’m buttoned up tight; I feel invisible. I want to shout, at the top of my lungs, “I’m still here!!” Instead, I reread the same line.

Once I was an English rose. My fairness drew compliments like confetti, “Meryl Streep!” they’d fawn. But (oh the irony) I thought I was ‘ugly.’ They say “The youth is wasted on the young,” and they’d be right.

Only now, looking back at old snaps, I see my beauty. How I missed the chance to flaunt it – the nectar to bee pull of it. My firm, line-free skin taunts me from history – “Look how you shone!”

Is it true? Am I passed it? Or am I stewing in self pity. A midlife meltdown maybe? I’ll buy a sports car, dye my hair, surrender to the needle, anything to banish this creeping age.

And then she arrives, a goddess in green, grey hair piled high, movie star shades – smoothing a sarong over lounger. She is magnificent. The beach takes a breath, as she lays down.

Catlike she preens, people pause, lips loosening. But she gives no f*cks about onlookers. Instead, she eyes the ocean like a hungry mermaid. And then she stands. People sly peek over papers as she strides to the sea.

Then from nowhere, a singsong voice and water sprinkles, “Mummy! Come on!” And he’s pulling me out of my malaise. Tugging me free of thoughts, as we hot foot over stones to the waters edge.

And so we dive – the cool steals my breath. In that moment I am happy. I look for the lady in green but she is far away, powering towards horizon. I lie back in the water, my ears submerge and beach hum fades. Finally I’m at peace – at peace with myself.

The memory of touch

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I have a memory of a cool banister, under my hand. The ridges of wallpaper, at the top of the stair. The tiled sills, cool to touch. The good sofa, smooth with piped edges. The stones in the box, inlaid with shell. The click of the light – on / off.

I am awake-dreaming. I am recalling the memory of a red brick house which was once my home. This remembrance is not just in my head – its trace flows to the tips of my fingers.

What magic is this? How can I recall these nooks of a place, 12 years on? It seems our sense of touch or haptic memory is more enduring than first realised.

Studies suggest that, moments of touch – the memory of an object – it’s dimensions and texture, can last long after that point of contact.

This fascinates me. As humans we hold onto certain memories like a raft sometimes. Whilst remembrance can be selective, looking back can help us understand our past and face our futures.

In a year when we’ve been kept from loved ones, it makes sense for us to hark back. Covid has raised our present and past senses. At times, a flood of feeling has knocked us sideways. Maybe this is catharsis of sorts? Out of control, we’re anchored by memory points; our nostalgia soothes us.

Then I get to thinking, what of those fallen by dementia? The loss of memory in times like these is all the more cruel. The half familiar faces crowding at the door way, unable to come close.

Whilst true, haptic memory is more elusive in dementia patients, scientists have found peripheral tactile stimulation impacts visual and verbal memory. It seems that ‘touch’ remains a powerful, enriching sense.

So, my retracing of steps makes all the more sense right now. Whatever our state of health or mind, the anchors of memory can hold us.

I have a memory of a cool banister, under my hand. The ridges of wallpaper, at the top of the stair. I visit there from time to time, it reminds me of where I come from.